


oikawa would make a horrible missing-nin lbr

by kolbietheninja



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Naruto Fusion, Fluff and Humor, Jounin-sensei Oikawa should qualify for a horror tag tbh, M/M, Naruto AU, Team Oikawa is a train wreck you can't look away from, ninja au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 05:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16111535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kolbietheninja/pseuds/kolbietheninja
Summary: Oikawa narrows his eyes and says, "Iwa-chan! How can you not be more concerned! This is a serious dilemma!"Hajime rolls his eyes. "You said that about the time the store closest to your apartment ran out of milk bread."





	1. Chapter 1

"My life is _over_ ," Oikawa declares dramatically.

Hajime just makes a vaguely agreeable sound in response, more concentrated on cleaning his blade.

Noticing this, Oikawa narrows his eyes and says, "Iwa-chan! How can you not be more concerned! This is a serious dilemma!"

Hajime rolls his eyes. "You said that about the time the store closest to your apartment ran out of milk bread."

Oikawa gives him a condescending little smile. "Clearly _also_ a horrible situation and one only someone like you who has no taste wouldn't understand."

"And that time you got assigned to gate duty with Ushijima?" Hajime asks, mostly just to piss him off.

" _Don't remind me_ ," he says darkly, shuddering at the memory. "I just _know_ Makki had something to do with it. I had to spend eight hours in a tiny booth with Ushiwaka, Iwa-chan! _Eight. Hours!_ Oh, and he was _so_ smug the whole time! Even when he wasn't talking, I could just _tell_." He harrumphs, thoroughly annoyed. "'You should have come to Dark ANBU,'" he mocks in a ridiculous voice then shakes his head in disgust. "Like that creepy shadow organization that snatches up children and makes stoic monsters like _Ushiwaka_ even _worse_ is something I'd actually want to join."

He makes a gagging motion, prompting a snort from Hajime.

"They'd probably kick you out after the first week."

Oikawa scoffs. "Please, Iwa-chan. I'd walk out of there on my own on the first _day_ just to see Ushiwaka's dumb, ugly face crumple in disappointment." Hajime actually laughs at that - because he can definitely see that happening; Oikawa is that petty - and Oikawa shoots him a smile. "Don't think I've forgotten what we were originally talking about, though!"

"I would never," Hajime says, dipping his cloth in more oil.

Oikawa huffs, flopping down gracelessly on the grass next to him. "I'm doomed. _Doomed._ "

"You're really not."

"Maybe I should become a missing-nin," Oikawa considers, ignoring him. "I could live on the run, make a name for myself as a badass S-Rank shinobi. Forever known as the one who got away."

"You'd _never_ make it on your own. First month of living without a steady home and income, you'll come crawling back," Hajime tells him, blunt. "It's not like you could take all your hair and skin treatments with you, either. You know, those things you swore up and down that you'd die without?"

Oikawa makes a face at him. "I could if I needed to!"

"And besides, you'd definitely stumble headfirst into some ancient conspiracy to take over the world or something, and because you're a nosy idiot who can't mind his own business, you'd die without anyone to look after you."

Offended now, Oikawa says, "I didn't say I was going _alone_."

"Like hell I'm going with you," Hajime swiftly denies, recognizing that gleam in Oikawa's eyes. "You can go out there and be a world class criminal or whatever by yourself. Leave me out of it."

"But _Iwa-chan!_ " he cries, pitifully, grabbing Hajime's arm and shaking it, heedless of the deadly sword in his lap. "You're my partner! You _have_ to defect with me, or else I'll die of loneliness!"

"You're going to die anyway if you don't stop shaking me," Hajime threatens, and Oikawa lets go with a pout.

"How cruel a fate is mine that my own partner won't abandon his village for me," he bemoans, the back of his hand against his forehead in a ridiculously pathetic pose.

Hajime sets aside the rag, closing the lid on the wax and then stowing everything away in his pouch. "What's cruel is that I got stuck with you for a genin teammate. Even Ushijima would have been better."

Oikawa gasps, horrified and offended. "How could you say that?"

"Poor Yachi, too," he says. "She's been scarred for life."

"Excuse you, the two of you were _lucky_ to have me on your team!" Oikawa snaps. "Do you know how many of our classmates would have killed to be in your position?"

Hajime shakes his head, wry. "If any of them actually got to know you, I'm sure they'd have changed their minds."

Haughtily, Oikawa says, "I'm the best teammate you'll ever have."

"That's true," Hajime agrees, smirking when Oikawa falters at the genuine agreement, flushing prettily. "You're a headache and a half, but you're _mine_ , and I'd drag you back to the village if you ever tried to leave."

Quickly regaining composure, Oikawa snarks, "Kinky."

And now _Hajime_ is flustered. He just can't win with this asshole. He groans, dragging a hand down his face. Smiling brightly, Oikawa leans over to kiss him, and his desire to murder him lessens. Just a little.

"Anyway, if you _insist_ , I suppose I'll have to settle for staying in the village," he allows, magnanimously. Hajime rolls his eyes again. His expression scrunches up in annoyance. "That still leaves my problem."

"...How is it a problem, again?" Hajime asks, amused.

"Did you forget?" Oikawa demands, incredulous. "Tobio is one of my genin! _Tobio!_ "

"Why didn't you just fail him?"

At this, he sighs heavily. "Hokage-sama said I couldn't fail him without a reason. And _apparently_ Tobio being an uppity little brat with no respect for his betters wasn't good enough."

"So he passed your test?" Hajime was there when Oikawa planned it all out. He knows how vicious and difficult it was supposed to be, just how many layers there were to the deception and the true goal of the whole thing. Oikawa's a clever, tricky bastard, and any genin who managed to pass his test have to be pretty impressive.

Clearly torn between pride in his new students and displeasure, Oikawa reluctantly admits, "They all did. Hinata spurred them into action, Tobio figured out all my clues, and Shimizu was able to put together a plan. Their teamwork was shaky, at best. The two boys kept arguing with each other and giving away their position, and the girl barely said a word, didn't try too hard to mediate. But they _did_ work together, and they passed, and shit, I'm kind of excited to see how they'll develop in the future, Iwa-chan. This is horrible! _Why_ do I care about a team that has Tobio on it?"

Hajime huffs, "Maybe because now that you're responsible for him, you won't let yourself be anything but a great teacher?" Oikawa still looks uncertain, so Hajime throws an arm around his shoulders, pulls him in close, and rests their heads together. "Because you're not as shitty a person as you think you are, Shittykawa."

Oikawa laughs. "That's a little contradictory, Iwa-chan!"

"You mean like you are? As a person?"

"I suppose I am far too complicated to be constrained to one measly emotion!"

"Ugh."

Another laugh. "I love you, too, Iwa-chan!"

"Yeah, yeah. Love you, Oikawa- _sensei_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's called root ne or whatever, but eh. he was mocking it & it basically is dark anbu. you know i'm right. anyway pointless fluff is pointless. just wanted to write some iwaoi, so here you go. hope you enjoyed, & let me know you think. ;)


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop acting like you're so much better than me! I almost had it that time!"

"I was just trying to help you! You keep using too much chakra! Anyone with eyes would be able to tell!"

"I don't need your help!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

They both turn on their heels and stalk away to choose trees that are farther apart. Looking on, Tooru can only sigh, genuinely wondering if maybe the potential he glimpsed during their test wasn't something he imagined. Chibi-chan and Tobio have found a way to argue over and/or make a competition out of absolutely everything they've been doing the last two weeks, and honestly, at this point, teamwork seems an impossible dream.

"Were we this annoying as genin?" he wonders, then dismisses the thought with a shake of his head. No, these two are way worse. Team Sadayuki may have had the occasional argument (i.e. the same types of arguments Tooru and Iwa-chan have been having since they were six years old), but their teamwork was impeccable. When it came down to it, Iwaizumi and Yachi trusted him implicitly, and he, they. Working together had quite literally never been a problem.

The only comparative non-issue of Team Oikawa is Shimizu, who has had no clashes with her teammates thus far. She's serious about being a kunoichi and _passionate_ , so she dutifully completes all D-Ranks and training exercises with no fuss. She's disciplined and has near perfect chakra control, too. Her presence is a _godsend_ compared to the decidedly not cute male members of their team, and Tooru is appropriately grateful.

"Shimizu-chan, since you've got the hang of that, I'll start teaching you a super cool jutsu!" he calls, making sure his voice carries as he waves her down, cheerfully ignoring the twin cries of dismay ringing out from opposite ends of the forest.

Clearly excited, she yells out an affirmative and runs halfway down the tree before kicking off and landing in a crouch right in front of him. "I'm ready, Sensei."

"Such an adorably eager student I have," he gushes, patting her head. "So diligent, too. I'm sure _she_ won't have any trouble learning my super secret mega awesome jutsu that I've never taught anyone before."

As expected, there's a crash and a groan, and then Shoyo is suddenly there, practically vibrating on his feet as he looks up at Tooru with stars in his eyes. "That sounds so cool! I want to learn it too, Oikawa-sensei!" he pleads.

Smiling smugly, Tooru tsks, wagging a finger. "Only students who learn the Tree Walking jutsu will be privy to such an amazing, super mega awesome secret technique. Looks like that's just Shimizu-chan." He shakes his head, feigning disappointment. "And here I had such high hopes for my new genin."

Having caught on to what he's doing, Shimizu shares a glance with Tooru, who winks conspiratorially. She hides a small smile, no doubt amused by not just the deception but the fact that it will most certainly work.

Case in point: Eyes blazing, Shoyo declares, "Just you wait, Sensei! I'll master tree walking before sunset!" That said, he shoots a dark look in Tobio's general direction and then runs off to keep practicing.

"So predictable, Chibi-chan," Tooru murmurs, but he's smiling. Kid's got determination in spades, at least, and he's not afraid of hard work. There's a good foundation there. More than enough to build from. But that's for another day. He turns back to Shimizu and says brightly, "Now for the fun part! I didn't bring any chakra paper with me, but unless I'm completely off the mark - and I never am - you're definitely going to be most comfortable with Earth jutsu."

Deciding a demonstration would be best, he takes a few steps back and then quickly goes through the hand seals (Tiger, Hare, Boar, Dog) before slamming his hands against the ground. "Doton: Doryūheki!"

A sturdy mud wall springs from the ground and tops out a little above Shimizu's head. Tooru walks around it and asks, "Think you can give it a shot?"

Shimizu eyes the mud wall for a moment and then looks up at Tooru and nods decisively. "I believe so, Oikawa-sensei."

With an expectant grin, Tooru gestures for her to go on.

Nodding again, she steps just to the left of Tooru's wall and carefully repeats the process. And just as Tooru's had, a mud wall forms from the earth. Unlike Tooru's, however, it loses its shape almost immediately.

"Good first try! You've got it down for the most part. Now it's just a matter of practicing how to coat the earth with your chakra, so it'll keep its form." He pats her head again, proud, and Shimizu ducks her head to hide another smile.

"Yes, Oikawa-sensei."

A loud cry breaks their serene bonding moment, and Tooru sighs. "If only my other students were so clever," he mutters. Louder, he instructs, "Keep working on that, Shimizu-chan. I've got another uncute student to see to."

With a last pat, he wanders over to his least favorite student, uncharitably wondering why the genius hasn't already figured it out yet. One would think, given his reputation, the kid would have already learned it on his own somehow when he was like five or something.

"Having trouble, Tobio-chan?" he asks, doing nothing to hide his amusement at Tobio's visible frustration. The poor tree he's been mutilating has small sections of the bark blown clean off as far up as halfway. He suspects that's as far as Shoyo has gotten as well.

Tobio glares at him, but coming from a brat that barely reaches his elbow, it's hardly intimidating. Besides, he's been dealing with Iwa-chan's glares for over a decade, and those are way scarier.

When Tooru just quirks a brow, Tobio huffs but grudgingly admits, "I figured out the right amount of chakra to stick to the tree, but making it stay in the tenketsu in my feet is proving troublesome."

"Well, the feet _are_ the most difficult places to channel chakra, Tobio-chan," Tooru tells him, patronizing. "You're just going to have to practice. I know that's a foreign concept to you, but-"

"I practice!" he interrupts, indignant. "I practice every single day, even after you send us home!"

"Hm? I suppose I'm not working you hard enough if you still have the energy to do that."

"It's not about having the energy or not. I know you don't like me and don't want to teach me anything. I thought...I thought that things would be different once you became my jounin-sensei. I was actually excited. But whatever! I'm used to watching you and figuring out how to do things by myself. _That's_ what I do after you dismiss us," he snaps, a glimmer of _hurt_ in his stormy expression, and _shit_ , this is why he didn't want to be a teacher.

Tooru is not a perfect person. He lets his jealousy and bitterness get the best of him sometimes, and while it's never been a problem in the field, there's a _reason_ Tooru hadn't wanted to be put in charge of Tobio. He has a healthy hatred of geniuses, those shinobi who were able to blow past Tooru with hardly any effort in the Academy. Tooru worked his ass off to get to this level of skill, and he still works hard everyday to improve, to be better.

Despite all that, he's _still_ never beaten Ushiwaka, and the losses _burn._ If it weren't for Iwa-chan… If he weren't so loyal to this village… Well, whatever Iwa-chan might think, Tooru would have made an _incredible_ missing-nin.

Regardless, he _is_ Tobio's jounin-sensei, and the excuses he used for not wasting his time teaching a random brat he didn't even like no longer apply. He's got no leg to stand on, and his pettiness will just have to find another target. Luckily, he still owes Makki for the Ushiwaka incident.

The promise of sweet revenge soothes him, enough so that he can look at Tobio and honestly say, "Things _are_ different. I'll...treat you the same as the other brats, alright? So you better appreciate this once in a lifetime opportunity! Not everyone gets to learn from the great Oikawa Tooru!"

The blindingly bright smile he gets in return is unexpected but not entirely unwelcome. Maybe this won't end in disaster after all.

A much louder explosion than those previous echoes throughout the forest, followed by the unmistakable sound of a tree falling... and another and another. From the wreckage, Shoyo's sheepish voice yells, "I'm okay!" right after.

...Never mind. They're all doomed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meilinfan, you asked, and so you shall receive. i wanted to write the train wreck that is team oikawa anyway. oikawa's & kageyama's problems aren't magically solved (neither of them know therapy no jutsu; that's hinata's thing in this AU), but they've reached something of an accord. for now. don't know if i'll add anything more after this, but i am kind of interested in team sadayuki's dynamics. regardless, please let me know what you think. ;)


End file.
